Honesty is best…

I have wanted to write the last couple of days, but I haven’t been in the mood. There is certainly a lot going on around me. Why haven’t I sat down and cranked out a new post? My blog is new, so this should be exciting for me. Part of it was I wasn’t sure whether to play catch up on some old stuff, or write about the latest. And part of it, the real reason, was that I just wasn’t happy.

If my blog is about the silver lining, then there is a feeling I need to find it, live it and roll around in that glitter all the time. But I can’t. Because no matter how good life is, it isn’t that way every moment. Recently, a friend reminded me that that just means I’m human. When I’m down, I’m just being a real person. It’s OK to show it. I know she’s right. Thank you, Paula.

I’ve been a little upset since the last meeting with the counselor we are seeing at my oncologist’s office. I’m supposed to be trying to gain weight before the transplant. I’m a little thin and they are worried I will lose more weight during the process. Being told to eat more is fun…until they also tell you to stop exercising. I’m sort of passionate about exercising and it takes care of my needs to be social as well. I don’t feel like eating as much when I don’t exercise. And now let’s throw in that I’m not supposed to be drinking any alcohol either. Nothing like taking all the fun stuff out of my life at once. I know it’s for my own good. I know it’s temporary, but I had wanted to have some serious fun before I have to stop everything. I had plans. And I feel like I’ve been ganged up on. So, there you have it. That’s how I have been feeling.

But you know what? I’m better now. Today was a great day. I had to start work very early this morning so we could leave for Stanford by about 11:30. I had several tests that needed to be done and it was tightly scheduled. I was kind of dreading the bone marrow biopsy. It was to be my third one. The first one last summer really hurt. The one I had in April was better. Today, I was so well taken care of, it was almost bordering on fun. Great nurses, lots of lidocaine… they made sure I was comfortable the whole time. I realized I was laughing and having a good time. I realized I had been doing that since I arrived at my first appointment. I was back. And it was good to be back!


(Pictured above playing with the drill they use for the biopsy)  I’m very happy to say that this was done in the ITA (the Infusion Treatment Area) where I will be spending a lot time coming up. Everyone was so nice. I’m actually going to be excited to come back and see them again. One of the nurses seemed to have a quirky sense of humor. I wouldn’t know anyone like that, now would I? I took an instant liking to her. When things don’t suck during this transplant, it’s going to be fun. I can just feel it. My life is pretty good. Wow, it’s nice to see the sparkle again.

But I’m going to try to remember that I can write even when the finish is a little dull. Being happy is a work in progress. And a little down time is OK as long as you can start laughing before too long.


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