Hats are for Amateurs and Other Tales of TMI

Every so often in the land of medical adventures, there are times when one has to pull out the TMI card. You know, more than you may have wanted to know. But having the choice between laughing and crying, I think you know where I fall on that one. And laughing alone isn’t as much fun as sharing it.

And such is the case, with the beloved 24 hour urine test. Fellow Amyloidosis patients know of what I speak, but I think this secret is too special to keep within the confines our select little group.

Back in 2013, when it was first discovered that I had high levels of protein in my urine on a “spot check” with a dipstick,  I was told that I needed to do this test. I was to collect all of my urine (OK, I’m just going straight to the potty talk here) OK,  pee, for an entire 24 hour period and store it in a jug to be taken to the lab. This is how they determine how much protein is spilled from my kidneys every 24 hours.  I was a little shocked. Drawing my blood was fine with me, but this…I found to be somewhat embarrassing, intrusive, and not what I had in mind to do when there were perfectly good toilets just about everywhere I looked!

But hell, I figured, I’m a runner, I’ve peed behind bushes out on the trails. This should be a piece of cake. I could do this once, right?

PeeJug

(Above, keeping my sample cool in the fridge, I just had to make sure my kids knew not to grab a swig out of this one.)

So, at the lab, they give you this handy little aid to catch the pee, so you can easily pour it into the jug. You put it on the toilet seat. It looks like a hat, so, what do you know, they call it a … hat!

The results of the first test showed what they suspected, that I needed to go see a nephrologist, the kidney specialist. I was then scheduled for a kidney biopsy.  The results of that were inconclusive at first. They called and cancelled my appointment to get the results, since they still didn’t know what was wrong. So to keep me amused, they had me do another 24 urine test. I didn’t think it was funny at all. But I needed a laugh, so I got a cool pic of me and my hat.

Hat

What I didn’t know was that they were using the extra time, 5 days,  to do a special staining with one called Congo Red, just to be sure it wasn’t Amyloidosis. But it was Amyloidosis. And that has sealed the deal on a whole lot more 24 urine tests in my life.

After about 3 or 4 of these tests, I managed to meet my ‘disease friend’ Kathy Koontz, online, and we started sharing the good times we have with all this testing stuff. By this time, I was feeling quite proficient at skipping the hat, the middle man, so to speak, and going straight to the jug.  So was Kathy,  having been diagnosed in 2013 as well. She told me a story of once when her husband caught her, shall we say, finishing up one of the procedures, at a time when the lab had forgotten to give her a hat, and let’s just say she coined the term “Hats are for amateurs.” That’s been one of my mantras now. In the voice of Forrest Gump, I can here myself saying, “It’s one less thing, ya know?”

I have enough stuff to carry around, you see. On long  work days, when I’m doing a test, I have to take the jug and keep it in a cooler in my car. The protein molecules are destroyed at higher temperatures and if allowed to get too warm, the test will not be accurate. Say what you want about this blog, but it IS educational! So, at Howard’s request, I use my own little cooler. Nope, I don’t think he wants his beer in THAT cooler anymore!

It definitely has gotten easier to have a rather casual attitude about the whole thing. Like my daughter’s schedule at UCSB, my 24 hour tests are now on the quarter system. If my kidneys would ever get their act together and go back to normal, like other good little kidneys, I could stop this nonsense. But for now, it’s every three months. I just finished my tenth one.

The lab usually gives me the jug ahead of time, so I can bring it in when I have my blood draw, a week before my doctor appointment. They give it to me in a bag. I don’t even bother with the bag anymore. It’s just an empty jug. I have, however, always returned the filled container in a plastic bag. I still have a little class, after all.

Until last time. I had no bag in the car. I needed to get my sample in, so the results would be ready in time for my appointment. I arrived at the building where my lab is on the second floor. It’s a pretty busy cancer center, but the lobby is often empty. What would be the harm of dashing in and running up the stairs with my jug?

I walked through the doors, only to discover they were having some sort of reception in the lobby, for about 50 people. I’m not sure how many were medical professionals, but I’m quite sure a few of them knew what I had in my hand. They were all dressed up, munching on yummy little appetizers, and I was weaving my way through the lobby with a jug full of pee.

As soon as I got that sprint of shame done and was in the stair well, it was almost too much. I was bursting with laughter by the time I got up to the second floor and met up with the receptionist at my doctor’s office.

I told her my new expanded mantra: “Hats are for amateurs, bags are for sissies!”

 

Jug Incognito

(I suppose one could come up with a clever disguise if they felt the need…)

As far as my results are going, well, I’m flunking the pee tests. My numbers started out at 2200 mg (2.2 grams) of protein in 2013 (normal is less than 150 mg) and have progressed steadily up to the 4000’s. I dipped to 3000 in June,  but was back up to 4000 in September.I scored a 4500 in December and just pulled off a 4300 this March. So, long term it has been trending up, although it would be better for my kidneys if the numbers started going the other way. I see the nephrologist at Stanford in a few weeks for a check up.

However, my light chain numbers look good. The Kappa Lambda ratio, an indicator of the producers of Amyloid, is something we watch and it’s looking great. My oncologist is going to let me get through April this year without a bone marrow biopsy! I’m pretty ecstatic about that. Now the only thing after my blood this next month is the IRS!

Scan_20160321 (5)

(I wanted to be cool like my friend Kathy, so I made a graph, but since I’m computer illiterate, I had to draw my own))

 

But overall, I’m a happy girl. I know how fortunate I am. I have a major move in my life coming up, which I will start talking about soon. I’m busy training for the Boston Marathon, my dream come true…that once in a lifetime thing I’m going to be doing for the 4th time on April 18th. I’m so excited to be going with Erin and Paula and our husbands, Howard, Pete and Mike. And since my next pee test isn’t until June, I get to pee in toilets the whole trip!

 

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